How To Talk To Your Kids About Love & Sex

We teach children to read and we expect them to read.  We teach them about numbers and we expect them to be able to do mathematical equations.  So then how can we not teach our kids about human sexuality and still expect them to make sensible love and relationship decisions?  Some societies say that sex education will cause more pregnancy, but drivers’ education certainly doesn’t cause more accidents, does it?  In my opinion, one of the most wonderful wishes you can have for your children is that they have healthy happy love lives.  The best way for them to achieve that is to be raised with open and honest communication about love and sex.

The wonderful thing about explaining sex to kids is that you usually don’t have to bring up the subject.  It comes up on its own.  Whether they see a couple kissing, a pregnant woman, or dogs mating, opportunities abound to make talking about sex a normal and natural part of growing up.

Be the first to discuss love and sex in a positive context.  If you don’t start talking to your kids early, it’s not going to take any time at all before they think they know more than you.  Then, don’t count on them listening.

1. What is love?
An explanation for toddlers, young kids, and teens is going to be different, but here are three possibilities that you can draw from.

• Love is a circle that begins with children and ends with grandparents.  It creates, feeds, guides, and helps children grow so that they can become like mommy and daddy. (for toddlers)
• Love can be different for everyone, but comes from the same special place…the heart.  And that is why people draw hearts when they speak of Love. (for young kids)
• Giving & receiving love is the meaning of life! (teens and adults)

2. Let’s talk about sex
You are the greatest role model your kids have and the person kids really want answers from.  But if you don’t talk to your kids about sex, they will find someone that will and the information they get may not be correct.

• • Educate yourself.  Then educate your kids.  Be specific!
  • Encourage your kids to explore and love their bodies.
  • Don’t tell a little girl, “You don’t have a penis” as if something is missing.  Tell her that she has a vulva plus a clitoris.  Female sexual anatomy is mislabeled from practically day one.  First of all, what you see from the outside is not a vagina, but that has become the generic term for it.  What you see is the vulva.  The vagina doesn’t appear until after the vulva is spread open.  And parents should inform boys about girls’ genitals and vise versa.  This way, girls’ genitals won’t seem like such a mystery to boys.  Also, it is through such talks that parents can teach boys to respect girls’ genitals.
  • Many parents don’t talk about masturbation, and their children often regard it as a dirty secret.  All parents need to say occasionally is, “It feels good to touch yourself there.”  This gives mom and dad credibility about such matters and lets the child know it will be safe to talk to their parents about sex.  Masturbation is normal.  Just let them know that it should be done in private.
  • Don’t avoid your child’s questions because avoidance can lead to feelings of shame or guilt.
  • Discussing disease or problems only instills guilt and fear.  We want to motivate our children with trust and life affirming decisions.  The goal here is to have sexually healthy and responsible young people.
  • Children should grow up knowing that sexual activity is a healthy part of a healthy committed loving relationship.

What do you wish your parents had taught you before you found out about it from someone else?  For more extensive information on parental concerns including how to talk to your kids about love and sex check out my new e-book.

Article by Dr. Ava Cadell.